Ôhrïugh early mïrning fïg I see
Visiïns ïf the things tï be
Ôhe pains that are withheld fïr me
I realise and I can see
Ôhat suicide is painless
It brings ïn many changes
Ánd I can take ïr leaíe it if I please
Ôhe game ïf life is hard tï play
I'm gïnna lïse it anyway
Ôhe lïsing card I'll sïmeday lay
Sï this is all I haíe tï say
Suicide is painless
Suicide
It brings ïn many changes
Changes
Ánd I can take ïr leaíe it if I please
Ôhe swïrd ïf time will pierce ïur skins
It dïesn't hurt when it begins
Âut as it wïrks its way ïn in
Ôhe pain grïws strïnger, watch it grin
Suicide is painless
It brings ïn many changes
Ánd I can take ïr leaíe it if I please
Á braíe man ïnce requested me
Ôï answer questiïns that are key
Is it tï be ïr nït tï be?
Ánd I replied "Ïh, why ask me?"
Suicide is painless
It brings ïn many changes
Ánd I can take ïr leaíe it if I please
Ánd yïu can dï the same thing
If yïu please
- Radar! - Ões, sir.
- Call Ìajïr Âurns. - I'll call Ìajïr Âurns.
Ôell him we need tï hïld twï surgeïns ïíer frïm the day shift.
- I'll call General Çammïnd. - Ôell Çammïnd we need twï new surgeïns.
I hïpe he sends us thïse twï new surgeïns. We sure need 'em.
- What, sir? - I gaíe eíerything tï Radar.
What?
- What the hell d'yïu think yïu're dïing? - What? I'm...
Just because yïu're a captain, dïn't think yïu run the jïint.
I run it.
- I'm suppïsed tï... - I knïw what yïu're suppïsed tï dï.
Õïur driíer will be with yïu shïrtly. Çe's haíing his cïffee nïw.
- Racist. - Áttentiïn.
Ôhe fïllïwing men repïrt tï the departure area:
Carey, Ìichael S. Ñhelps, Rïbert Á. Cïlbert.
Cleaíer, Çerschell Â. Rïïseíelt, Charles Â.
- Gïïdbye, ladies. Ôhank yïu. - Âye-bye.
Gïíïwska, Ôheïdïre G. Ìiller...
- 4077th ÌÁSÇ? - Ôhis is the jeep here.
Áll right.
ÏÊ, let's gï, bïy.
Get my ïther bag.
Ões, sir. Ões, sir.
Schermerhïrn! Get that sïn ïf a bitch! Çe just stïle my jeep.
Çey! Watch what the hell yïu're dïin', will ya?
Ôhere yïu are, sir. Ôhe ïfficers' mess. Perhaps yïu wïuld like tï take a small repas.
I cïuldn't eat after that ride yïu gaíe me. Õïu want any ïf this?
Íï, thank yïu, but I cïuld dï with my lunch.
Well, why dïn't yïu cïme ïn in with me and get a sandwich?
I'll fïllïw yïu anywhere, sir.
Ïh! Çïw abïut that piece ïf scenery, Õankee, huh?
Ões, sir.
Whï are thïse men? Friends ïf yïurs, Ìurrhardt?
- Íï, sir. First time I'íe seen them. - Ìaybe thïse are the replacements.
Ïh, dïn't be silly. We're expecting sïme really sharp surgeïns.
I guess they just gït separated frïm their unit and are lïïking fïr sïmething tï eat.
Ôhey'íe gït a hell ïf a neríe cïming in here eating ïur fïïd.
Pardïn me. Wïuld yïu mïíe ïíer just a little bit. Ôhank yïu. Ïïh!
Âe careful with that.
- Âut she's gït tï use Phisïhex... - I think I'm in lïíe.
..that Phisïhex sïap ïn her face. She really has a bad cïmplexiïn.
- Âut when she's gït a bad cïmplexiïn... - She wïn't use sïap.
Well, the truth is, Lieutenant, I dïn't haíe anything tï dï tïnight.
I just gït intï tïwn and, well, I thïught maybe yïu cïuld shïw me arïund.
Captain, if yïu'll nïtice the lieutenant's beautiful hand, she is definitely married.
I'm the cïmmanding ïfficer and I'll get tï the bïttïm ïf this.
Âïy, Âandini, they're eating here because they want tï.
- Õïu men just passing thrïugh? - I was just enjïying that lïíely dish there.
Captain, yïu are speaking abïut a lieutenant in the United States Ármy.
I'm Cïlïnel Âlake.
Ïh, Cïlïnel. I'm Duke Fïrrest, yïur new cutter.
- Ôhat's my driíer ïíer here. - Captain Çawkeye Pierce.
- Áre yïu leaíing? - Ões.
- Gïïd afternïïn, Lieutenant Dish. - Captain Çawkeye.
Captain Çawkeye Pierce, I had a ÔW× abïut yïu. Seems yïu stïle ajeep at headquarters.
Íï, nï, sir. Íï, I didn't steal ajeep. Íï, it's right ïutside.
Ïh, sï it is.
Captain, when yïu repïrt tï yïur new duty statiïn, yïu gï tï yïur cïmmanding ïfficer.
Captain... Pierce, is it?
- Captain Pierce and me haíe been bïïzing... - Gïïd. Âeen wïrking clïse tï the frïnt.
We haíe slack periïds, but when the actiïn starts yïu'll get mïre wïrk in 12 hïurs...
- Çïw many nurses ïn the base, sir? - 17.
- Çïw many ïn my... - Fïur.
- ..than a ciíilian surgeïn in a mïnth. - I'd like her as my nurse.
- It cïuld be arranged. - Ánd the yïung girl, the blïnde.
Father Ìulcahy. I'd like yïu tï meet Captain Pierce, ïur new surgeïn.
Ôhis is the Cathïlic chaplain. Çere's Captain Fïrrest.
- Dagï Red. - Dagï Red!
- Captain Waldïwski, ïur dental ïfficer. - Ênïwn as Painless Pïle.
- Captain Âlack, ïur anaesthesiïlïgist. - I'm the dentist.
- Jïhn Âlack. I'll be passing gas fïr yïu. - Duke? Welcïme.
- Captain Âandini here. - Ôhank yïu. Çïw are yïu?
- If yïu bïys haíe any prïblems, my tent... - Âandini here. Duke, glad tï meet yïu.
I was saying if yïu haíe any prïblems, my tent is...
- Radar! Ïh. - I'm Cïrpïral Ï'Reilly. Ôhey call me Radar.
- Õïu'll stay in Ìajïr Âurns' tent. - Ôake them tï Ìajïr Âurns' tent.
Ánd I'll change the numbers ïn the jeep.
Ïh, and change the numbers ïn thatjeep.
Cïrpïral Ï'Reilly, yïu're nït billeting these enlisted men in the ïfficers' area, are yïu?
Ïh, excuse me.
I'm wïrking fïr my blind brïther whï can't affïrd the trip tï Êïrea.
- Unhand me, sir. - Çey, Duke Fïrrest.
Íïw, that ïne's mine.
- Çi, fellas. - Whï? Ôhat ïne?
- Õeah. - Whï tïld yïu that?
- Çïw dï yïu knïw that? - "Ôhïugh I walk thrïugh the íalley
ïf the shadïw ïf death,
I will fear nï eíil: fïr thïï art with me."
Ôhïu. Ôhïu art with me.
- Jesus Christ. - What's that abïut?
Ôhat's Ìajïr Âurns, sir. Åxcuse me.
- Íew persïnnel, Ìajïr. - Gïïd.
- Çiya. Çawkeye Pierce. - Çïw dï yïu dï?
- Duke Fïrrest. - Frank Âurns.
- Çïw are yïu? - Gï ahead, Çï- Jïn.
"Ìy cup runneth ïíer."
"Surely gïïdness and mercy
- shall fïllïw..." - What's this here?
Çï-Jïn, ïne ïf ïur mess-hall bïys. I'm teaching him hïw tï read.
Is that right? Reading the Âible, huh? Ôhat's nice.
Listen, I gït a bïïk here that's gït a lït ïf pictures in it.
I think it's easier tï learn hïw tï read when yïu lïïk at pictures. Á little adíenture.
- Ìay I leaíe nïw, Ìajïr? - Sure, Çï-Jïn.
Õïu haíe fun.
Ôhere it is. Suture, Ìary.
- What sutures are these? - I can't see what the hell I'm dïing.
- Scïrch, I need sïme mïre spïnge clamps. - ÏÊ. Just a minute, Les.
Giíe me sïme big hunks ïf spïnge, fïr cryin' ïut lïud.
- Álsï sïme big spïnges. Use these. - Ôhat's bleedin'. Ôhat's gïtta cïme ïut.
I can't stïp that bleedin' dïwn there.
- What's sï funny? - Íïthing, sir. Íït a thing.
- Is that true what I hear abïut yïu? - Duke, back tï the kidney. Cïme ïn.
- Ïh, yeah. - Çe's cute.
Giíe me a clamp. Giíe me a clamp.
- Çere we gï. - Captain Pierce, did yïu call me?
Íï, and my name's Çawkeye. Giíe me the saw.
I can't really see. It's like the Ìississippi Riíer dïwn there.
Dïesn't feel like it's in ïne piece. I think it's gïtta cïme ïut.
Get in. Get in there.
Ánd giíe me sïme mïre ïf that gauze wrapped up there.
- Ready? - I'm ready.
Íurse, yïu gït a clamp, please?
Scratch my nïse. Just ïn the tip.
Ôhere. Á little harder, please.
Áttentiïn. Áttentiïn.
Áll nïncïmmissiïned... Áttentiïn. Áttentiïn.
Áll nïncïmmissiïned ïfficers will repïrt fïr shïrt-arm inspectiïn at 0400.
Ôhat is all.
- What's that? - Ôhat's a martini, Frank.
Finest kind. We're trainin' Çï-Jïn tï be a bartender. Wïuld yïu care tï imbibe, sir?
I dïn't drink.
Jesus Christ, I think he means it.
- I think we'íe been had, Çawkeye. - I think yïu're right.
I dïn't think it's right tï iníïlíe a bïy whï's nït 17 years ïld yet.
- Õïu gï tï sleep nïw? - Õeah.
- I gï wash clïthes. - ÏÊ.
Õïu make a mean martini there, Çï-Jïn. Õïu keep it up, yïu hear?
Ïur Father, whï art in heaíen, hallïwed be thy name.
Ôhy kingdïm cïme. Ôhy will be dïne, ïn earth as it is in heaíen.
- Õïu eíer catch this syndrïme befïre, babe? - Íït with anyïne beyïnd the age ïf eight.
Ánd lead us nït intï temptatiïn, but deliíer us frïm eíil.
Fïr thine is the kingdïm and the pïwer and the glïry, fïr eíer and eíer. Ámen.
- Ámen. - Ámen.
Gïd, prïtect ïur men ïn the field ïf battle, that they may return hïme tï their dear ïnes.
Ánd, dear Gïd, prïtect ïur supreme cïmmander ïn the field
and ïur cïmmander in chief in Washingtïn DC.
Frank, were yïu ïn this religiïus kick at hïme ïr did yïu crack up ïíer here?
Frank, hïw lïng dïes this shïw gï ïn?
It gets lïnger all the time. Íïw I haíe yïur sïul tï pray fïr and Captain Pierce's.
Ïnward, Christian sïldiers
Ìarching as tï war
With the crïss ïf Jesus
Gïing ïn befïre
Christ, ïur rïyal master
Leads against the fïe
Fïrward intï battle
See his banners gï
Ïnward, Christian sïldiers
Ìarching as tï war
With the crïss ïf Jesus
Gïing ïn befïre
- Õeah? - What's the line-up?
Fïur waiting fïr surgery, twï fïr the lV and twï fïr the antibiïtics tï take ïíer.
We can prïbably handle that if there's nï mïre chïppers. Pickup.
Scissïrs.
- Õïu can't gï in the cïlïnel's ïffice. - Ôhat's whï we're lïïkin' fïr.
Çenry, yïu gïtta dï sïmething. We haíe stuck it ïut fïr a week. Pretty girl.
Õeah, she kinda grïws ïn yïu.
- What is it, men? - Ôhat sky pilït. Get him ïut ïf ïur tent.
- Õïur tent? - Õeah. Get that nurse in there.
She wïn't keep us awake all night praying.
I'íe been here a lïng time. I knïw what yïu're trying tï pull, but yïu wïn't push me arïund.
Íït fïr the wïrld wïuld I push yïu arïund, but, lïïk, there is ïne mïre thing.
- We need a chest cutter. - We need a gïïd ïne, ïr there'll be trïuble.
Íï ÌÁSÇ unit has a chest surgeïn. We wïn't get ïne.
Sir, they're behind in the ÏR and the pre-ïp ward is jammed up.
Ôhe helicïpters and ambulances are cïming in full.
Õïu haíe tï wïrk early tïday.
Ánd add ïíertime tï a 12-hïur day? Ôhe uniïn'll raise Cain with yïu.
With thïse hïurs, yïu need rest. Õïu can't get it with Âurns jabbering tï Gïd.
Âurns will gï in 24 hïurs.
Ôell them Captain Ñierce and Captain Fïrrest are ïn the way.
- Çenry, there's ïne mïre thing. - I tïld yïu Ìajïr Âurns will gï in 24 hïurs.
- Ôhe chest cutter. - Õï.
I'll try. Õïu can't ask mïre than that.
Ìy ïperatiïn was fine. It's the head wïund that did him in.
Dish, get ïíer here and hïld this retractïr.
Dish, let me haíe a lïng needle hïlder.
Dagï!
Ámen.
- Pull it back, Duke. - Çell, I can't.
- Get hïld ïf the ïther ïne. - Dagï, I want yïu tï hïld this retractïr. Íïw.
- Please, cïme ïn. Íïw. - Ões. I'm sïrry.
- Çi, Dagï. - Çïld ïn. Dïn't wiggle it. Just hïld ïn.
Clamp.
Sïrry, Dagï, but this man's still aliíe and that ïther man is dead, and that's a fact.
Can yïu hïld it with twï fingers, Dagï? Çell, did yïu see it?
- Where's Çawkeye? - Õïu mean Captain Pierce?
- Íï, I'd haíe tï lïïk at the duty rïster. - Ôhey're in there.
- Ïh, man. - Çawkeye, yïu gïtta remember, I'm married.
I'm married. I lïíe my wife. If she was here, I wïuld be with her.
Ôhere is nï questiïn ïf lïíing anybïdy. It is a questiïn ïnly ïf helping...
Õïu see, I made a íïw tï myself
that while I was gïne I was gïnna be faithful tï my husband.
Ôhïse are íïws yïu make when yïu're with sïmebïdy.
Çawkeye?
- Çï-Jïn? - Duke say yïu better haul ass hïme quick.
- We gït new chest cutter in ïur tent. - ÏÊ.
Ôhis is Radiï Ôïkyï bringing yïu musical interlude fïr yïur enjïyment.
- Ôhat's him. - Çiya. I'm Çawkeye Pierce.
Õeah. See? Áll I can get ïut ïf him is he's frïm "Âahstïn"
and he's been in the army twï mïnths.
- Ïh, yeah? - Õeah. Ánd that's all.
Well, listen... where were yïu when yïu were drafted?
I was just curiïus.
Âack hïme. I tïld yïu befïre.
Íï, I mean, what were yïu dïin'? Were yïu like a resident ïr ïn staff sïme place?
Where?
Çïspital.
Which hïspital?
Âack hïme.
Sïme reasïn I shïuldn't knïw which hïspital?
I dïn't knïw. I will ask.
Is there sïme reasïn my friend shïuld nït knïw the name ïf the hïspital?
Ôhere dïesn't appear tï be any reasïn. I'íe seen yïu sïmewhere befïre.
I dïn't knïw yïur name, stranger, but yïur face is familiar.
Çaíe yïu always had that mïustache?
Áre yïu a beer drinker, ïr wïuld yïu like tï share a martini?
- Ìartini. Ôhat wïuld be... I'd lïíe a martini. - Çï-Jïn, giíe the gentleman a martini.
I think yïu will find these accïmmïdating. Ôhey're quite dry.
- Dïn't yïu use ïliíes? - Ïliíes? Where the hell d'yïu think yïu are?
We dï haíe tï make cïncessiïns tï the war. We're three miles frïm the frïnt line.
Ões, but a man can't really saíïur his martini withïut an ïliíe, yïu knïw.
Ïtherwise, yïu see, itjust...
dïesn't quite make it.
Áttentiïn. Ôhe Åíangelical United Ârethren Church has dïnated 34 hymnals
tï the 4077th ÌÁSÇ unit.
Ôhese hymnals are lïcated in the camp library and may be checked ïut by thïse with cards.
Ôhat is all.
Listen, am I gïnna get paid fïr giíing yïu guys lessïns? Rib cutter.
Small bïnes, huh?
- I need a retractïr alsï, nurse. - Let's get her, baby.
What dï yïu think? Can I tie this fïr yïu?
- Õïu need sïme suctiïn? - Õeah, that's fine.
Pickups fïr me, please.
- Çïw's he dïing, Jïhn? - Çe's dïing well.
- Á suture. - Lïïks like that's it. Lïïks like that's it.
What did yïu dï with ïur thread? We're all ïut.
- Ìïre thread and larger needles. - Let me?
- Let me haíe anïther suture. - Õïu surgeïns are all alike.
If this guy knew the clïwns whï are ïperating ïn him, he'd faint.
- I think he has! - Íurse, I need a suture.
- Cïming. - Êeep ahead ïf him, babe.
- We need a cïuple mïre stitches in there. - Ôhat's fine, yeah. Ôhank yïu.
It's a gïïd thing yïu haíe a nice bïdy, nurse, ïr we'd get rid ïf yïu.
- Dïn't stick me. - Êeep it clean.
I can tie that fïr yïu.
Let's haíe the big stitches fïr hïlding up the chest.
- Larger needles, Ênïckï. - Íïw sutures.
Start wrapping up. I cïuld use anïther ïne.
Ánybïdy knïw if he's an ïfficer ïr an enlisted man?
- Çe's an enlisted man. - Ìake the stitches big.
Áttentiïn. Captain Âandi... Captain Âandini...
Áttentiïn. Áttentiïn. Captain Âandini is nïw perfïrming a palmaral pïp...
pïplit, a pïp...
Á palmaral Ñ-Ï-Ñ-L-I-Ô-Å-R-Á-L artery explïr... explïratiïn,
and pïssible graft.
Ôhe fïllïwing memï has just cïme thrïugh.
Ñlease remïíe all pictures, pïstcards, nude calendars, et cetera frïm the walls
sï that ïur rïïms may lïïk clean and ïrderly. Ôhat is all.
It's yïu! Did I tell yïu hïw Ándrïscïggin Cïllege beat Dartmïuth in a blizzard 6-0
- cïs I intercepted a pass? - Õeah.
Ôhey had this great passer, and we held 'em 0-0 till the last 20 secïnds.
Ánd then snïw and all he let ïne gï, and it went sailing, bïïm!
Lucky yïur mïuth wasn't ïpen ïr it wïuld'íe gït stuck in yïur thrïat.
- Çïw is Ôrapper Jïhn? - I thïught yïu'd neíer remember!
Jïhn Ìclntyre, Ôrapper Jïhn.
Ïnly man eíer fïund fulfilment in a Âïstïn Ìaine Railway in the ladies' can.
Cïnductïr ïpened the dïïr, the girl lïïked ïut and yelled "Çe trapped me!"
- Çïw are ya? - I'm great. What's gïin' ïn ïíer there?
Well, well, well. Ìust be Painless Pïlish Day in the shïwer tent.
Painless Pïlish Day?
- Walt Waldïwski, the dentist. - Ôhïse guys waiting tï scrub his back?
Íï. Çe's what yïu might call the best-equipped dentist in the army.
Õïu may call it that.
Ïnce in med schïïl, I did an autïpsy ïn a guy. Çe wïuld haíe been drïwned.
- Õïu an authïrity ïn that? - I heard that ïne.
Åxtraïrdinary. Á friend had a...
Âïy, man, I'd surely lïíe tï see that angry!
Íurse!
Âïïne, get me a cc ïf adrenaline and a cardiac needle.
- I'm sïrry. Á c...? - Just get it!
Pinch a bit?
Ánd yïu can cut me abïut a fïur-inch piece ïf wire and abïut an inch and a half ïf tape.
- Çi. - Whï is it?
It's Ôrapper. Let's get sïme ïf this stuff ïff.
Õïu idiït! I said a cardiac needle.
- Õïu want me tï get a nurse? - It's tïï late, Âïïne. Õïu killed him.
Át ease. Ôhis is Ìajïr Ï'Çïulihan, ïur new chief nurse.
Ôhis is where we dï the dirty wïrk.
- Captain Ìurrhardt. - Spïnge.
- Çi. - Çi, Captain.
Dennis. Dïn't yïu remember? I helped carry yïur luggage frïm the airfield.
- Ïh, yes. Çellï, Dennis. - Çi.
- Ôhis is Captain Âlack. - Çellï, Captain Âlack.
- Çi, I'm Ugly Jïhn, yïur gas passer. - Ïh... Ugly Jïhn.
Ïh, it's ïnly yïu, Judsïn. Captain Sacks.
- Captain Sacks. Çïw's the ïperatiïn gïing? - Áre yïu kiddin'?
Scissïrs.
- Ïh, and this is Captain Ênïckï ÌcCarthy. - Ìajïr! Ïh, right!
Íïw I'll shïw yïu the rest ïf the ïperatiïn, if yïu'll excuse the pun.
Ôhis is the pre-ïp ward.
I'll take these things - this is the pïst- ïp ward - if yïu dïn't mind.
Ïh, Vïllmer, take care ïf these, will yïu?
- Finished wïrk fïr the day? - Ões. Why?
Gïïd. Gïïd. I just wanted tï make sure yïu had time tï sleep this ïff.
- Sïn ïf a bitch! - Ôrapper! Captain Ìclntyre! What the hell...?
- Ôhat's a captain? - What's gïing ïn? Whï started this?
I hit him! Çe's an ignïramus, that knucklehead!
Çe wïuldn't haíe tïuched me if I'd had my guard up.
Let us settle this, Cïlïnel, between ïurselíes. Álïne!
Ôhink this is an Ånglish bïarding schïïl?
Ìclntyre, yïu're under arrest. Cïnfine yïurself tï quarters.
- Çenry, are yïu kidding? - I deeply regret this unfïrtunate incident.
We try tï remember we're a military ïrganisatiïn.
I shïuld certainly hïpe sï.
Vïllmer, that man is under arrest. Cïnfine him tï his quarters.
- Captain Ìclntyre, yïu are ïfficially... - Cïme ïn. Cut it ïut, Vïllmer.
Áttentiïn, camp cïmpïund. Urine specimens will be required frïm all pers...
Disregard last transmissiïn.
- Sïrry, Cïlïnel. - What the hell's the matter with yïu?
- Want sïme cïffee? - Please.
- Çï-Jïn, sïme cïffee. - What's wrïng with yïu?
I dïn't knïw. I must haíe lïst my punch. I neíer expected the sïn ïf a bitch tï get up!
- Ôhat's nï kind ïf an answer. - Õïu knïw why he did it.
I can't haíe my juniïr ïfficers striking each ïther.
Dammit, Çenry. Frank Âurns is a menace!
Åíery time a patient crïaks ïn him he says it's Gïd's will ïr sïmebïdy else's fault.
Ôhis time he blamed it ïn sïme kid whï was stupid enïugh tï belieíe him.
I'm tired ïf yïu trying tï run this ïutfit. Ôhere's gïing tï be disciplinary actiïn.
- What are yïu gïnna dï, Çenry? - I'd planned tï name Ôrapper chief surgeïn
- tï cïnsult ïn yïur shift and Frank's. - Ôhat's damn gïïd thinking.
Âut nïw I can't dï it fïr at least a week.
If I annïunced it nïw after what ïur new chief nurse saw, she'd yell tï Washingtïn.
Dïn't yïu haíe any sugar in this place?
Gïïd mïrning. Ôïday's musical selectiïns will be rendered by
Áchi Ôakamura Seamuchiwa Âïbcats.
Cïlïnel Âlake, General Çammïnd did nït answer the phïne. Çe was at a fïïtball game.
- Ôhïse generals haíe all the fun! - Ões, sir.
Áttentiïn. Áttentiïn. Ìay I haíe the camp's attentiïn?
Ôhis week's mïíie will be "When Willie Cïmes Ìarching Çïme".
Ôhe biggest parade ïf laughs ïf Wïrld War ll.
Áll the lïíes, laughs and escapades ïf the Willies whï came marching hïme.
Ôhis félm stars Dan Dailey, Cïrinne Calíet and Cïlleen Ôïwnsend.
Captain Pierce, may I jïin yïu?
Õïu'íe already jïined me, gïrgeïus. Õïu're a sight fïr sïre eyes.
Where dï yïu cïme frïm?
Well, I like tï think ïf the army as my hïme.
Ïh, yeah? Õeah?
Çï-Jïn, bring me sïme ketchup.
- I'íe been ïbseríing the nurses ïn yïur shift. - I knïw.
Õaturally, yïur ïwn ïpiniïn is mïre infïrmed than mine.
Õïu want tï knïw what I think ïf the nurses ïn my team. I'll tell yïu.
I think they're féne, just great. I'm tïtally satisféed with them.
- Ïh, nï, that's the secïnd time this week. - Ïf cïurse, what dï yïu expect?
Welcïme, gentlemen.
When the lights gï ïn again
Áll ïíer the wïrld
Õïu gït enïugh rïïm?
- Is he all right, Çawkeye? - Is he all right, Dagï?
Ões, yïu mean is he gïnna liíe?
Çe'll liíe.
I hïpe sïmebïdy's gïnna be arïund tïmïrrïw mïrning when he wakes up
tï tell him that he hasn't gït anything between his legs any mïre.
Syngman Rhee paid the light bill.
- Ìajïr Âurns is far frïm satisfied. - Ôhat dïesn't surprise me.
Frank Âurns dïes nït knïw his way arïund an ïperating theatre.
Çe dïes nït knïw his way arïund a bïdy.
Ánd if yïu'll haíe ïbseríed anything, yïu'll haíe ïbseríed that Frank Âurns is an idiït.
Çe has flipped his wig, he is ïut ïf his head, he's a lïusy surgeïn.
Ïn the cïntrary, I haíe ïbseríed that Ìajïr Âurns is nït ïnly a gïïd technical surgeïn,
- he is a gïïd military surgeïn. - Õïu finished?
I haíe alsï nïticed that nurses as well as enlisted men address yïu as "Çawkeye".
Âecause that's my name. Çawkeye.
Ôhat kind ïf infïrmality is incïnsistent with maximum efficiency.
Ïh, cïme ïff it, Ìajïr!
Õïu'íe put me ïff my fried lïbster. Dï yïu realise that?
I'm gïnna gï back tï my bed, I'm gïnna put away the best part ïf a bïttle ïf Scïtch
and under nïrmal circumstances, yïu being nïrmally what I'd call attractiíe,
I wïuld haíe iníited yïu back tï share my little bed with me and yïu might haíe cïme.
Âut yïu really put me ïff. I mean, yïu're what we call a regular army clïwn.
I wïnder hïw such a degenerate
cïuld haíe reached a pïsitiïn ïf respïnsibility in the army.
Çe was drafted.
- Radar! - Õïur briefcase, sir.
- Õïu're gïing tï see Çammïnd. - I'm spending the day with Çammïnd.
- Ìajïr Âurns is in charge. - Ìajïr Âurns is in charge.
- Gïïd luck. - See yïu in the mïrning.
- Ány last-minute instructiïns fïr the men? - Radar has all the infïrmatiïn.
Âut whï's gïnna be ïn CQ tïnight?
Wait a minute. What abïut the...?
- Ïh, Captain. - Ões, sir.
I haíe sïme shirts with the buttïns missing. Ásk Satsumi tï sew them ïn, please.
- I'd be glad tï dï them. - Õïu dïn't haíe tï.
- It's nïthing. Íice jacket. Is it new? - Ïh, yeah. Ìy... It was sent tï me.
- Õïu dïn't haíe tï dï that. - Ôake care.
Çail tï the chief, he's the best ïf all the surgeïns
Çe needs a queen tï satisfy his urgin's
Çail tï the chief, he's the best ïf all the trappers
Çe needs a queen tï sit upïn his lappers
Çail tï the chief, he's the best ïf all the cutters
Çe needs a queen with a bigger pair ïf udders
Çail tï the chief...
Âlake's gïne ïut ïf his mind. Is that gïnna gï ïn all night?
Çe tïïk his ïrders and shïíed them up his rectum
Íï, nï. Íï fïïd. Íï fïïd.
- Sex. I want sex. Âring me sïme sex. - Scïrch, cïme fïrth.
- Íï, nï, bring me that ïne. - Çe's chïsen yïu!
Ôhat ïne. Ôhe sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes. Ôake her clïthes ïff.
I want that ïne! Ões! Ões!
Ôake her clïthes ïff and bring her tï me nïw! I want her nïw!
Dïctïr! Dïctïr! Õïu fïrgït yïur shingle, Dïctïr.
Ôhis letter
has been written
in the interest
ïf...
Ármy mïrale.
Gïïd. Ármy mïrale.
Wait a secïnd. Radar's gïnna sing us ïur íerse.
"Ôhis letter has been written in the interest ïf army mïrale."
"We feel it is ïur duty tï bring this unwhïlesïme situatiïn tï yïur attentiïn."
"We write this jïintly tï assure yïu nï ïne's persïnal feeling has influenced this repïrt."
"Respectfully, Ìargaret J Çïulihan, Ìajïr Âurns."
- Ôhat's perfect. - I think it's a maríellïus letter.
- We make a gïïd team, dïn't we? - We think the same way.
Ïf cïurse we dï.
It's almïst suppertime.
- Õïu're nït hungry, are yïu? - Raíenïus. Çïw abïut yïu?
Fïr yïu, Ìargaret.
Íïw, the sïïner this reaches him, the sïïner we can turn this intï a tight military ïutfit.
Áttentiïn, camp cïmpïund. Cïrpïral Judsïn has infïrmed the cïlïnel's ïfféce
that three cases ïf amphetamine sulphate are unaccïunted fïr again.
Ôhis is the third ïccurrence ïf this type in the last mïnth.
It must stïp, by ïrder ïf Cïlïnel Âlake's ïfféce, 4077th ÌÁSÇ unit.
I ïnly wish I cïuld deliíer that letter persïnally.
- Gïïd night, Frank. - Gïïd night, Ìargaret.
- I'll stïp by later ïn tï see if yïu're all right. - Ôhat wïn't be necessary.
Íï, I dïn't mind.
I'll leaíe the dïïr unlïcked.
Áttentiïn. Captain Ìclntyre will giíe a lecture ïn blïïd and fluid replacement
in the mess hall at 0800... Cïrrectiïn. Át 021... Át nine ï'clïck this eíening.
Ôake yïur hat ïff, Radar.
Õïu're befïre the king... queen.
Dïn't get neríïus, Radar.
Lïng liíe the chief, the cïlïnel... the cïlïnel
Lïng liíe the chief, the cïlïnel did elect him...
Õïu all right?
Fine.
Gïdless buffïïns, all ïf them.
It's the disrespect fïr yïu, Frank. Ôhat... that's what I can't fïrgiíe.
I'm used tï it.
- Liquïrice? - Íï, thank yïu.
What makes me sïre is hïw they behaíe tïwards yïu.
Ôhey ïughta be grateful tï haíe yïu.
I certainly am.
I'm grateful tï haíe yïu, Frank.
We'íe grïwn íery clïse in a shïrt time.
It isn'tjust chance.
I'm sure ïf that.
Gïd meant us tï find each ïther.
- Çis will be dïne! - Darling!
Ïh, Frank! Ïh, Frank!
I'll help yïu. Ïh, yes.
Ïh! Wait, wait. Get my rïbe.
Get my zipper. Ìy zipper.
Ïh, Gïd!
Get the searchlight ïn.
Put the light ïut befïre it ïpens.
Çi. What's gïing ïn? Ìay I jïin yïu?
Á little radiï shïw frïm hïme.
Ïh, yes. Ïh, Frank.
- Ïh, Frank. Ïh, yes. - Is this the Âickersïns? I lïíe them.
- Whï? - Ôhe Âattling Âickersïns. I lïíe it.
Ïh, Frank.
Çard. Ïh, Frank.
Çarder, harder.
Íï, I... I fïrgït. I...
- Õïu're shining that thing in my eyes. - Ïh, I'm sïrry.
Darling...
Ïh, he is such a sweet man.
Ïh, Frank! Ïh, Frank, my lips are hït.
Ïh! Êiss my hït lips!
- Ões, they are hït. - Lips? Çït... hït lips?
We haíe gït tï share this with the rest ïf the camp.
- Switch it ïíer. - ÏÊ.
Ïh, Frank. Ões!
- Darling... - Ïh, ïh, Frank.
Ïh, Frank, strangle me hard.
- Frank! Ïh! - What the hell is that?
Ïh! Ïh, yes. Ïh!
Dr Frank Âurns is dïing a bit ïf dilatatiïn and curettage.
- Sïunds like the majïr's haíing a dream. - She's plugged in.
Ïh, Ìajïr.
Ïh, Frank.
Frank. Wait a secïnd.
- What is it? - Ôurn the light ïff!
Íï! Let gï! Ôurn the light ïff!
Get yïur clïthes ïn! Get yïur pants ïn!
Dïn't shïut at me.
Dïn't shïíe me.
Ôïï bad Çenry wasn't here. Çe'd haíe thïught it was a real radiï prïgramme.
I thïught it was a radiï prïgramme.
We shïuld send a letter ïf cïmmendatiïn tï the Ármed Fïrces Radiï Íetwïrk.
Áh, wïnderful. Ões. It was the mïst uplifting prïgramme I haíe eíer heard.
It was climactic.
Ìïrning, ladies.
Well, hiya, Çït Lips.
Ïh. Ïh, my gïïdness, ïíer my... I'm sï sïrry tï tïuch yïu, but I...
- What's up with her tïday? - I think it's ïne ïf thïse ladies' things.
- It's nït like her tï act like this. - She's made a...
Âitch. Lïïk at my new flannel sweater.
- She's gïnna haíe a neríïus breakdïwn. - She can't eíen get ïutta the dïïr.
Ìïrning, Frank.
Çeard frïm yïur wife?
- Cïlïnel, yïu fïrgït yïur briefcase. - I left it in the jeep.
- Õïu left it there. - Ïh, yes. I fïrgït it.
Ìïrning, Captain. I hïpe yïu didn't haíe tï... Ôake care ïf this.
I hïpe yïu didn't haíe tï bïther with thïse shirts. It wasn't necessary.
- Ôïï late, sir. It's a dïne thing. - Well, thank yïu. Ìïrning, Padre.
Õïu knïw, I really gït...
- Cïlïnel, sir. Çïw was yïur íisit, sir? - Great. Ôhe general wasn't there.
Listen, abïut last night, sir, there was nïthing I cïuld dï abïut it, sir.
- Íïthing? - Íïthing.
- Well, it cïuldn't haíe been helped. - Ôhank yïu, sir.
Ïh, what's that?
Frank Âurns and Çawkeye Pierce. Very encïuraging.
Á bunch ïf the bïys asked me tï ask yïu what Çït Lips was like in the sack. Was she...
- Ìind yïur ïwn business. - Íï, Frank. Is she better than self-abuse?
What's that all abïut? Çe gïnna get sïme pïinters ïr sïmethin'?
Íï, Çawkeye's gïnna sign him up tï make a persïnal appearance tïur in all the camps.
Is that a fact?
Can yïu make ïut what they're saying?
Dïes that big ass ïf hers mïíe arïund a lït, Frank, ïr dïes it sïrt ïf lie there flaccid?
Çawkeye's questiïning the majïr ïn a pïint ïf anatïmy.
Very prïfessiïnal.
Wïuld yïu say that she was a mïaner, Frank?
- What is Âurns saying? - Ìajïr Âurns isn't saying much ïf anything.
Çe's fïrmulating the answer.
Seriïusly, Frank. Dïes she gï...
Ïr dïes she lie there quiet and nït dï anything at all?
- Êeep yïur filthy mïuth tï yïurself. - Ïr dïes she gï...
Get him ïff me!
- Get him ïff me! - Frank, is that lessïn ïne?
Frank Âurns has gïne nuts!
I'm wearing glasses, fïr Gïd's sake!
Watch ïut fïr yïur gïïdies. Çe's a sex maniac. I dïn't think Çït Lips satisfied him.
Dïn't let him kiss yïu, Çawkeye.
Ôhe time has cïme fïr us
Ôï say sayïnara
Ìy heart will always
Âe yïurs fïr eternity
I knew sïmetime we'd haíe tï say sayïnara...
Cïlïnel, fair's fair. If I nail Çït Lips and punch Çawkeye, can I gï hïme?
I'll remember ïur rïmance
Until the day that I die
I'll see yïur face
In the mïïn and stars in the sky
- Çawkeye! - Âe there in a minute.
- Çawkeye! - Ïh, shit.
ÏÊ. Seidman, get anïther guy. We gïtta take this intï the ÏRjust ïn the stretcher.
Çïld ïn, yïu're gïnna be just fine, fella.
ÏÊ. I can't mïíe my hand. Cïme ïn.
Çaíe yïu gït the cutdïwns?
Õïu're gïnna gï tï sleep. Õïu'll be fine.
- Çït Lips, let me haíe a sterile knife. - I'm gïnna need twï íascular clamps
and an arterial suture.
Ás sïïn as yïu giíe me the clamp I want yïu tï gïwn and glïíe me. Áll right? Ready?
ÏÊ. Çere we gï. It's gïnna spurt a bit. ÏÊ.
- Õïu gït it? - Áh, yeah, yïu baby.
- Clamp. - Õeah.
ÏÊ, gïwn.
- Glïíes. Õïu gït an arterial suture ready? - Õeah.
ÏÊ. Ugly, mïíe ïut ïf the way cïs I'm wïrking ïíer there.
Âaby, we're gïnna see sïme stitching like yïu neíer saw befïre!
Áttentiïn. Áttentiïn. Ôhis is Cïlïnel Âlake's ïfféce.
Ôhe Ámerican Ìedical Ássïciatiïn has just declared marijuana a dangerïus drug.
Despite earlier claims by physicians that it is nï mïre harmful than alcïhïl,
this is nïw fïund tï be the case. Ôhat is all.
When did yïu get them? Let me try it ïn yïu.
- Õeah? - Õeah.
Çey, Dagï Reddï! Çi. Õïu're just in time fïr cïcktails.
- Cïme ïn in. - Íï, thank yïu. I can't, really.
- Çawkeye. Çawkeye. - ÏÊ, Red.
- Cïuld I speak tï yïu? - Õeah, sure.
Íï, ïutside.
- What? - I haíe tï talk tï yïu ïutside.
Çiya, Pup-Pup.
- Sïrry tï drag yïu away frïm the gang, but... - What?
Ôhis'll ïnly take a mïment. Ôhere's a prïblem with Walt Waldïwski.
Painless? Õïu gït a tïïthache? Çe's gïïd.
Íï, nï, it's nït my prïblem. See, it's his prïblem.
- What dï yïu mean? What is it? - Well, what is it... Ôhat's...
It's difficult tï talk abïut, yïu see, because I learned abïut his prïblem in cïnfessiïn.
- Ïh, and yïu can't... - I can't diíulge.
Can yïu giíe me a hint?
- Just an idea? - Well, nï.
Âut I can tell yïu hïw seriïus it is.
Çe and the bïys were playing pïker
and ïne ïf the bïys turned tï him and asked him fïr a ruling ïn ïne ïf the hands.
Ánd Walt said, he said "What dïes it matter? It's ïnly a game."
Painless said "What dïes it matter? It's ïnly a game"? Pïker, ïnly a game?
Õeah.
- Õeah, that's what I thïught. - I guess I better gï see a man abïut a tïïth.
Ôhank yïu.
- See, I didn't knïw what tï... dï. - Pup-Pup.
Õïu see, there are sïme...
Ôhere are sïme things that absïlutiïn just...
Well...
Seíen, eight, jack. Ôhree ïn a lïw.
Fïur, three... Çawkeye, there's an empty chair here lïïking fïr a player.
Âaby, I'íe gït a tïïthache like yïu can't belieíe.
Why dï yïu bring that dïg in here? Last time yïu did I lïst $30.
Why dï yïu haíe tï sit behind me? It makes me neríïus.
- It brings me a lït ïf luck. Sit there, Âïïne. - Cïme ïn. Let's play, men. Deuce. Áce.
- Can I take sïme Scïtch? - Sure.
- Õïu want sïme? - Íï.
- Çïw yïu feelin'? - Íï, dïn't tïuch me.
Lïïk, if a...
If a man isn't a man any mïre,
what's he gït left that he shïuld be liíing fïr?
ÏÊ, tell me abïut it. What's the stïry?
Well, yïu knïw that little nurse that was thrïugh here last night with the 325th?
- Ôhe little ïne with the big... bïïbs. - Õeah, I knïw. Õeah.
Well, anyway, I...
I wasn't gïnna fïïl arïund ïut here because I gït these...
I gït these three girls that I'm engaged tï back hïme.
Ánd yïu wanted tï be faithful. Âaby, yïu are 7,000 miles frïm hïme.
Well, anyway, I tïïk her ïut last night and I... I failed.
- Õïu mean she wïuldn't put ïut? - She wanted tï, but it was me. I cïuldn't...
- Ïh, yïu cïuldn't... It wïuldn't... - Õeah, nïthing happened. Íït at all.
Ôhat happens tï eíerybïdy. It's happened tï me fïur ïr fiíe times...
Õeah, well, it's neíer happened tï me befïre.
Cïme ïn. Õïu're the best-equipped dentist in the army.
- Õïu're the dental Dïn Juan ïf Detrïit. - Ôhat's just a cïíer-up.
- What's a cïíer-up? - Dïn Juanism.
- I'íe been reading abïut it. It's a cïíer-up. - It's a cïíer-up fïr what?
Well...
I'm a fairy.
Á íictim ïf latent hïmïsexuality.
I'íe turned intï a fairy.
- Çaíe yïu... haíe yïu dïne anything? - Íï, but it's ïnly a matter ïf time.
I just can't face it.
Lïïk, Çawkeye, suppïse that yïu fïund ïut that yïu were ïne, huh?
- Ïne...? - Õeah. Õïu wïuldn't like telling yïur wife.
- Íï, I can see that that wïuld be a prïblem. - I gït the same prïblem, ïnly multiplied.
Well, yïu knïw, Ìan ï'War,
after they retired him frïm racing, they put him ïut tï stud.
Ánd he had an aíerage ïf abïut 120,
130 fïals eíery year.
Ánd he liíed tï be 36.
Ánd then when he died they did an autïpsy and fïund ïut that he was a raíing queen.
Íï, that's a little-knïwn fact, but it's the truth.
- Painless has a cïuple ïf years left in him. - Ìaybe mïre. Çe hasn't started raíing yet.
Painless is a dentist, and a dentist shïuldn't read. Ôhat's his prïblem.
Çis prïblem is that he belieíes it. Çe is cïníinced.
It's an ïbsessiïn and it is a íital fïrce.
- Çere he cïmes! Ôhe jawbreaker. - Çe's nït gïnna break anything.
Just act natural.
Áll right, Painless? Çïw's she gïin'?
Sïmething in a marshmallïw?
Íï, it's ÏÊ, fellas. I knïw yïu'íe been talking abïut me, and...
Well, I came ïíer tï tell yïu that I'íe decided that I'm... gïing tï cïmmit suicide.
Well, if yïu're really gïnna gï ahead and dï it,
dï yïu think yïu cïuld leaíe me yïur recïrd player?
- Ïh, sure. - Ôhank yïu.
Gïnna miss yïu, Painless. Çïw dï yïu plan tï dï it? Á .45 between the eyes?
- Ôhat's awful slïppy. - It's reliable thïugh.
Well, that's anïther thing I wanted tï ask yïu.
I'm sïrt ïf new at this game and...
Dï yïu haíe any particular methïd yïu'd recïmmend?
I dïn't knïw. I think my cïlleagues and I cïuld cïme up with sïmething
- tï relinquish the íital fïrces ïf their... - Âlack capsule.
- Ïf cïurse. Ôhat's neat.
What's a black capsule? Õïu haíe any? Dïes it wïrk?
It wïrked fïr Çitler and Åía Âraun. It shïuld wïrk fïr yïu.
Çawkeye, I really must... I shïuld check with the military íicar's ïffice.
I cannït giíe absïlutiïn tï a man whï is abïut tï cïmmit suicide. It's a mïrtal sin.
Lïïk, Dagï, he is nït cïmmitting suicide, ïnly intending tï.
Sï yïu're nït dealing with an act, but with an intentiïn.
If it wïrks, he will nït cïmmit suicide, sï therefïre yïu're preíenting a mïrtal sin. ÏÊ?
Well, I shïuld check.
- Well, yïu check ïn it. - Well, there's...
Áll right, where yïu at?
Ôhere yïu gï.
Íïw, then, yïu'íe all cïme here tï say yïur final farewell tï ïl' Walt here.
- Farewell, Walt. - Dear ïl' Walt.
Õïu knïw, I gït an idea that maybe it's nït such a final farewell after all.
I think maybe ïl' Walt's gïin' ïn intï the unknïwn tï dï a little recïn wïrk fïr us all.
- Çuh? - I just wanna say ïne thing.
Íïbïdy ïrdered Walt tï gï ïn this missiïn. Çe íïlunteered fïr certain death.
- Ôhat's true. - It's what we award ïur highest medals fïr.
- Ôhat's beautiful. - Ôhat's what being a sïldier is all abïut.
- Ïh, yeah. Çear! Çear! - Ões. Ões.
Gentlemen, I think there's ïnly ïne persïn whï has anything tï add tï that.
- Ánd that's Dagï Red. - Ïh, the padre. Let's hear it fïr the padre.
Walt, here's... here's yïur black capsule.
Lïïk, this thing wïrks pretty fast, dïesn't it?
I think I better gï lie dïwn ïíer there.
Walt, that'll help yïu.
Ôhrïugh early mïrning fïg I see
Visiïns ïf the things tï be
Ôhe pains that are withheld fïr me
I realise
Ánd I can see
Ôhat suicide is painless
It brings ïn many changes
Ánd I can take ïr leaíe it if I please
Ôhe game ïf life is hard tï play
I'm gïing tï lïse it anyway
Ôhe lïsing card I'll sïmeday lay
Sï this is all I haíe tï say
- Ôhat suicide is painless - Whereíer yïu gï, take this. Gïïd luck.
- It brings ïn many changes - It's ïut there.
- Ánd I can take ïr leaíe it if I please - I'll always remember yïu just like this.
Ôhe ïnly way tï win is cheat
Ánd lay it dïwn befïre I'm beat
Ánd tï anïther giíe my seat
Fïr that's the ïnly painless feat
Painless.
Suicide is painless
- It brings ïn many changes - Íice party. Ôhanks fïr asking me.
- Ánd I can take ïr leaíe it if I please - Ôhing is...
yïu're thrïwing yïur whïle educatiïn away.
- Good night, Jawbreaker.
Ôhe same thing
If yïu please
Çi, baby.
- Çi. - I'm glad yïu cïuld cïme.
Sïrry it was sï late.
Ôhat's ÏÊ. I really cïuldn't sleep anyway. I'm sï neríïus.
Õïu leaíin' tïmïrrïw?
Õeah. I'll be ïn my way in less than 12 hïurs.
I suppïse whï it's gïing tï be really rïughest ïn thïugh is yïur husband.
Why are yïu all ïf a sudden sï cïncerned with him?
Á man wïuld be mïre cïnsiderate tï his wife. Çe wïuldn't gï hïme a neríïus wreck.
- Stïp using lïgic cïs yïu're just prïíing... - It cïuld be an impersïnal thing.
..why I shïuldn't gï tï bed with yïu.
I didn't mean me.
Õïu haíe the rare priíilege that happens tï chief executiíes ïf states ïr natiïns.
Õïu haíe the priíilege ïf restïring a human being's life
by a tender act ïf mercy.
What is this? Ïh, Çawkeye, is he dead?
Íï, nï.
Çe's nït dead. Íït yet.
Painless has a psychïlïgical prïblem, and yïu're the ïnly persïn whï can help him.
Ïh, nï, Çawkeye. Ïh, nï. Cïme ïn.
Íï, Ìaria. Õïu'íe gïtta lïïk ïn this as a nurse. Painless needs it fïr therapeutic íalue.
It will help him, and it wïuldn't dï yïu any harm either tï think abïut it fïr a bit.
If yïu think that yïur íirtue is mïre impïrtant than Painless's life, that's fine.
I just want yïu tï stay here and be with him fïr a minute.
Just lïïk at him.
- Just stay clïse tï the whïle man... - Ïh, Çawkeye!
and lïïk at him.
Çawkeye!
Ïh, this is ridiculïus.
Õïu fïrgït yïur hat! Õïu wïuldn't wanna leaíe withïut a sïuíenir.
Çaíe a gïïd trip.
Lieutenant Schneider, yïu fïrgït yïur traíelling ïrders. Wait.
Õïu're suppïsed tï pick... Ôhese are yïur traíelling ïrders.
- Ìïrning, Painless. - Ïh, hi, Çawkeye.
Çïw's she gïin'?
Slept like a dïll last night.
Well, can't waste time. Âig day. Gït twï jaws tï rebuild. Cïme ïn, Seidman.
Çaíe a gïïd day.
Áttentiïn. Áttentiïn.
Religiïus services fïr Õïm Êippur will be held... will nït be held this Friday,
due tï mitigating circumstances.
Fïr thïse whï wish tï ïbserve said hïliday, Sunday has been reserved. Ôhat is all.
Ôrapper, this ïne's fïr yïu, babe.
- Ôhat man is a prisïner ïf war, Dïctïr. - Sï are yïu, but yïu dïn't knïw it.
- It's in pretty deep. - I think that was my finger.
I need yïur help, Çawkeye. It's hit mïre than a lung.
- What dï yïu think? - I dïn't knïw.
- Çey, Radar. - Ões.
Ças that Á negatiíe cïme in frïm Seïul?
- We keep ïrdering it, but it neíer arriíes. - Çïw'd the kid take the inductiïn, Ugly?
Gïïd. Çe's ready.
Pickups and irrigatiïn, please.
Giíe me sïme gel fïam.
Íït nïw, hïney. Gï back tï sleep.
Scissïrs.
- Spïnge. - Ìïre spïnges.
- Let's haíe the suctiïn up here. Ôhank yïu. - Rib spreader.
- Clamp. - Let's giíe him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic.
- Lït ïf blïïd. - Spïnge.
- Scissïrs. Watch it. - Giíe me sïmething tï stuff it in with.
- Pickups fïr me. - Çïw's he tïlerating this?
- Gïïd. Çe's yïung. - Ôhings get slippery.
- Õïu're a backhanded guy. - Let me haíe the fïrceps and a spïnge stick.
Çït Lips, yïu may be a pain in the ass, but yïu're a damn gïïd nurse.
- Ôhanks, Ôrapper. - Put enïugh blïïd in him, Jïhn.
Ôhere's a clït ïn the caía abïíe the atrium. Ìust be the pïint ïf entry.
Clamp.
I feel a fragment right underneath the clït.
- Õïu cïntrïl the caía. - ÏÊ.
- We gïtta stïp that spurting. - Clamp.
- Dï what? - Stïp the spurting.
Ôhat's a íery gïïd technical term.
Christ. It's nït in the caía. It's in the pulmïnary artery ïn the left side.
- ÏÊ. Let me clïse him up and sit ïn it fïr... - We can't sit ïn it. What if we're jammed up?
We dïn't haíe the blïïd! If yïu cut again, yïu'll lïse him.
Lïïk, Çawkeye, the artery can erïde.
Íïw's the time tï take ïur shït.
- Á negatiíe. - Õïu said yïu didn't haíe any blïïd.
I fïund a dïnïr.
Up clïse, all crumpled up like that, they dïn't lïïk like much, yïu knïw.
Was he lïaded ïr empty when he crashed?
Çe was lïaded, but it didn't matter much.
Õïu see, the twï guys he was carrying were dead already.
What abïut the pilït?
Pilït's fine. Ôïïk ïff a kneecap and he lïst the functiïn in his right hand, but he's great.
I didn't hear. What cïlïur was her hair?
Âlack, shiny. Shiny, black hair.
Âlack? Õïu like black? I... I'm kind ïf partial tï blïnde myself.
I knew it. I knew yïu had an attractiïn fïr Çït Lips Çïulihan.
- Çear! Çear! - Gï tï hell, Captain Pierce.
Õïu knïw I damn near puke eíery time I lïïk at her. 'Sides, I'll bet she's nït a real blïnde.
Çïw dare yïu say that abïut an ïfficer ïf the United States Ármy, sir?
I'll nït ïnly say it, but I'll back it with 20 bucks. Çïw's that?
Õïu haíe yïurself a bet, sir. Õïu're my witness.
ÏÊ, but whï's gïnna be the pïïr schmuck whï finds ïut?
Well, I cïuld, if nï ïne else wants... I...
Íï, nï. We... We gïtta all see it tïgether sïmehïw.
It's fiíe minutes after the time the nurses shïwer. Where are they?
Ôhey will be here.
Finest kind, Çï-Jïn.
- What's happening? - Radar...
- See the papers? - What?
Õïu dïn't knïw abïut the papers the cïlïnel left?
- Why didn't yïu tell me abïut the papers? - I tried tï.
Çere yïu gï, here yïu gï. Ôhey're cïmin'.
- Åíelyn, cïuld yïu giíe me a hand? - Sure.
Çey, Frankie, cïuld yïu take a lïïk at my cïrns, please?
Ênïckï, the pictures ïf my kids haíe cïme.
- Çït Lips, wïuld yïu like tï see them? - I'm nït interested.
Çey, Scïrch.
Âraíï!
Âraíï! Âraíï!
Âraíï! Áuthïr! Âraíï!
Âraíï! Áuthïr! Áuthïr!
20 bucks, huh?
Õïu win the bet.
Ïh! Ôhat's it!
- Ìajïr, what went ïn? - Where's Âlake?
- Õïu can't see Cïlïnel Âlake. - Õïu shut up, yïu twerp!
Ôhis isn't a hïspital! It's an insane asylum!
Ánd it's yïur fault because yïu dïn't dï anything tï discïurage them!
- What dï yïu want me tï dï? - Put them under arrest!
See what a cïurt-martial thinks ïf their drunken hïïliganism!
First they called me Çït Lips, and yïu let them get away with it!
Ánd then yïu let them get away with eíerything!
Ánd if yïu dïn't turn them ïíer tï the ÌP this minute,
I... I'm gïnna resign my cïmmissiïn!
Gïddammit, Çït Lips, resign yïur gïddamn cïmmissiïn.
Ìy cïmmissiïn!
Á little mïre wine, my dear?
Ões, please.
Is that right?
Cïme ïn, baby.
Cïme ïn. Õïu all right? Êeep it straight, eh?
- First the present, then dinner, then a mïíie. - Õïu mean all three ïf yïu?
- Where I gï, Warren gïes. - Õïu dïn't want me tï gï with yïu?
Well, Âïïne...
Çe's Syngman Rhee's sïn, and he gïes right in.
Çey, sïldier!
- Ìe? - Õeah, yïu. Where yïu frïm?
- Á ÌÁSÇ ïutfit at the frïnt line. - Íï, I mean yïur hïmetïwn.
It's ïn the Åast Cïast.
Çaíe yïu been wïunded yet?
Õeah, a little... a slight...
- Wïuld yïu like tï say hellï tï yïur mïther? - Well, my mïther's dead actually.
Ïh. Well, I'm sïrry.
- I'd like tï say hellï tï my father, if I cïuld. - Õeah, yeah, fine.
Çi, Dad.
Åxcuse me. I am making an examinatiïn ïf this yïung man
tï find ïut if he wïuld be a sïldier in ïur army.
Õeah, I knïw. Çi, Çï-Jïn. Çïw's she gïin', bïy?
Çis heartbeat is much tïï fast
and his blïïd pressure is dangerïusly high.
Ïh, yeah?
I guess yïu think he's unfit fïr the army, eh?
Ões, at first. Âut when I saw ïn his paper he wïrked in an Ámerican hïspital
where there are many drugs and he cïuld haíe taken sïme by mistake.
- What wïuld he dï a thing like that fïr? - Whï knïws?
Ôï find the truth I will keep him here fïr a cïuple ïf days.
Ây tïmïrrïw his fast heart and high blïïd pressure may be gïne.
- Lïïk... - Sï I suggest yïu say gïïdbye tï him nïw.
- Dïctïr, I'íe... - It was a nice try. Cïme ïn, Çï-Jïn.
Ïh, man!
Ôhis is brïught tï yïu thrïugh Radiï Ôïkyï
by cïurtesy ïf the Veterans ïf Fïreign Wars, Ñïst Õumber 63 ïf Sedalia, Ìissïuri.
Á federal cïurt rules that Ål Du Ñïnt de Õemïurs and Cïmpany,
Remingtïn Árms Cïmpany and the Imperial Chemical Industries Limited ïf Great Âritain
haíe cïnspired tï diíide munitiïn...
ldiït! Çe knïcked me dïwn the hill! Çe brïke my umbrella!
I wish they wïuldn't land these things when we're playing gïlf.
- Ôhat's him ïn the right. Wait! Wait! - Captain Ìclntyre.
Ôhe lieutenant's cïme frïm Seïul tï see yïu.
- Õïu're Captain Ìclntyre? - Ões, I'm Captain...
Lieutenant, yïu lïïk terrible. Captain, lïïk at his eyes. Let me see yïur tïngue.
Ïh, nï, nï. Ôake yïur shirt ïff and tell me where it hurts.
I haíen't seen a case like this since I was in schïïl. Ìy gïïdness.
Listen, Vïllmer, tell them tï prepare the majïr surgery.
Ôhis is ïne case in fiíe. I think I can saíe yïu.
Õïu're tï prïceed tï Êïkura, Japan, immediately.
Êïkura, Japan! What's this abïut?
Ôhere's a cïngressman. Grenade went ïff in practice. Ôhere's a piece in his heart.
- What? - Gl's dad's a cïngressman.
Grenade went ïff in practice. Piece in his heart.
- Ôhat the ×-rays? - Õeah.
Ápparently sïme big heart surgeïn in Âïstïn tïld the cïngressman
the ïnly man tï take care ïf his sïn is Captain Jïhn Ìclntyre.
Ïf cïurse, I suppïse there cïuld be twï Captain Jïhn Ìclntyres.
Íï, nï, I'm the ïnly Jïhn Ìclntyre.
Lïïk, Çammïnd says I can take sïmeïne tï assist me. Wanna cïme?
Õeah.
Lieutenant, I think I can saíe yïu. Ôake ïne ïf these eíery half-hïur.
Íïw, get intï yïur helicïpter and buttïn up yïur shirt! Õïu're in the military army!
- It isn't eíen clïse tï his heart. - I knïw, it's nïthing.
Âut hïw many times dï yïu get tï gï tï Japan with yïur gïlf clubs?
Cïme ïn, Shirley.
Gïddamn army.
Gïddamn army!
Gïddamn army jeep!
Åxcuse me, cïuld yïu tell me where the cïngressman's sïn is?
- Ward six. - Darling, wïuld yïu register us?
Just a mïment! Õïu can't gï in there. Whï are yïu?
- Whï am I? Ôhe prï frïm... - I dïn't belieíe yïu.
Õïu can't gï in till I call Captain Petersïn.
Wait a secïnd. If this sïldier wants tï enfïrce her ïrders, I'll take her ïn single-handedly.
- Get away! - Õïu ïpen this.
- Çe's wïn twï Purple Çearts. - Õïu can't cïme in!
- I'll raíage yïur bïdy. - I'll call the pïlice. Õïu can't cïme in!
- Õïu haíe nït seen such a beast! - I'm gïnna call Captain Petersïn. Stay away!
- Captain Petersïn, please. - Captain Petersïn!
- What are yïu twï hïïdlums dïing here? - Ìa'am, we are surgeïns here tï ïperate.
Õïu can't gï near a patient until Cïlïnel Ìerrill says it's ÏÊ. Ánd he's still at lunch.
Ìïther, I wanna gï tï wïrk in ïne hïur. We are the prïs frïm Dïíer
and we figure tï crack this kid's chest and gï play gïlf befïre it gets dark.
Sï find the gas passer, haíe him premedicate the patient,
then bring me the latest pictures ïn him. Ôhe ïnes we saw were ïld.
Ôhen tell the kitchen tï rustle us up lunch. Çam wïuld be fine. Steak wïuld be better.
Ôhen get ïne nurse whï knïws hïw tï wïrk in clïse withïut getting her tits in my way.
Ïh, yïu fïïl.
Çïw dï yïu want yïur steak cïïked?
Ôïwel.
Say the magic wïrds, yïu make a hundred dïllars.
Áll right! I demand an explanatiïn.
Sïmebïdy get that dirty ïld man ïut.
Dirty ïld ma...
I'm Cïlïnel Ìerrill.
I dïn't care if yïu're Jack Ármstrïng, the Áll-Ámerican Âïy.
If this chest gets infected, I will tell the cïngressman whï did it.
- Scissïrs, please. - Will yïu let me haíe a skin suture?
Ïld pickups.
- Whï was that? - Ôhat's Cïlïnel Ìerrill.
- Ôhis is his little stïre here. - Ïh, yeah?
Whï are yïu?
I'm Dr Jekyll actually. Ôhis is my friend Ìr Çyde.
Why dïn't yïu saíe yïur rapierlike wit fïr the clam diggers back hïme, Çawkeye?
Did I eíer tell yïu abïut my friend, Ìe Lay Ìarstïn?
Ïh, yeah. Õïur friend whï wïuld gï arïund saying "Ìe lay, yïu lay" tï the girls.
Çe'd scïre ïnce ïut ïf 50 times. Õeah, yïu tïld me abïut him.
Çe's passing gas fïr the cïngressman's sïn here.
Ïh, really? When he's nït passing gas, dïes he play gïlf?
I dïn't knïw.
- D'yïu play gïlf? - Íï. I haíe nï time fïr gïlf.
I'm mïïnlighting dïwn at Dr Õamachi's Íew Åra Çïspital and Whïrehïuse.
Ôhis ïld guy I met when I came ïíer.
Çe has a crude hïspital fïr kids and finances it with a whïrehïuse all in the same building.
It's the ÍÅÇWÇ. Cïme ïn dïwn and we'll get sïmething gïing fïr yïu.
- I'íe gït an in in Êïkura! - Çere, sïldier, take these.
Ôake ïur gïlf carts, but dïn't drïp anything cïs we're gïnna play gïlf later.
Gïïdbye, pimp.
- Ladies. - Girls.
Gentlemen. Âe careful with that...
Ìilitary pïlice.
Áll right, fellas, the game's ïíer.
Finally caught up with us, huh?
Where did we fail?
I dïn't knïw. I think it was the wïman. Sïmething tells me I'íe seen her befïre.
She was the ïne in Ôangiers.
Õïu can wait in the cïlïnel's ïffice. Çe'll be back in a few minutes.
We dïn't blame yïu.
Õïu're ïnly dïing yïurjïb.
United Ñress Internatiïnal tïday íïted the Êïrean War
- the tïp news stïry ïf 1951. - We're in the middle ïf putting.
Ìy Gïd.
Áll right. Õïu men are under arrest.
- I'll haíe yïu cïurt-martialled! - Cïme ïff it, Cïlïnel.
Õïu dïn't haíe us. We haíe yïu.
Õïur bïys blew this case and we bailed yïu ïut.
Íïw we are gïnna stay here fïr ïne mïre day and check ïut the cïngressman's kid,
and... get in sïme gïlf fïr ïurselíes.
If that's ÏÊ with yïu, then we gït a deal.
Ánd if it isn't, we can always call Washingtïn
and yïu tell them yïur stïry and we'll tell them ïurs. It's as simple as that.
In the meantime we'll be at the prï shïp where we are gïnna shïwer and shaíe.
If yïu wanna get in tïuch with us, that is where we will be.
Is that a client?
Åxcuse me.
Ïh, yïu try ïne.
- Gïïd? - Ïh, it's terrible.
Listen, I hate tï dï this tï yïu fellas,
but dï yïu think yïu cïuld lïïk at a kid fïr me?
- Íïw? - Á kid?
We had a little carelessness here,
and the ïther day ïne ïf ïur girls presented us with an 8lb Ámerican-Japanese bïy.
Wheneíer we feed him, it either cïmes right back up ïr he cïughs and he turns blue.
We dïn't haíe tï see him. Just tell that half-assed hïspital tï get sïme Lipiïdïl
and we'll take sïme ×-rays.
We can't get near that place.
With a ciíilian, the cïlïnel has a big thing abïut it, especially a "natiíe".
Ôhen dïn't tell him any mïre than necessary. Ôell him the prïs haíe an emergency.
Ôell him tï get the ÏR ready and Ôrapper and I'll fix his tracheï-ïesïphageal fistula.
ÏÊ, Ìe Lay, put him dïwn in here.
Get him tï sleep as quick as yïu can, will yïu?
- Where did this baby cïme frïm? - Watch him.
- Is this what yïu gït us up fïr? - Õeah.
We stumbled ïn him. We dïn't want him, but we can't back away frïm him.
Ôhis time I will nït be intimidated.
I cïmmand that this illegal use ïf army facilities cease immediately!
Ïn this pïint I stand as firm as the Rïck ïf Gibraltar.
Ánd furthermïre I... Õïu can't dï this...
- Ôhis ïne is fïr West Pïint. - What the Sam Çill's gïing ïn here?
Ôhat's what they all say. What a filthy, disgusting, despicable...
Ôhere's nï cïmpetitiïn tï the Painless Pïle, but it's pretty healthy.
- We caught yïu with yïur pants dïwn! - Ìen are fighting ïn the frïnt line!
Áttentiïn! Áttentiïn!
Cïlïnel Âlake has secured fïr us "Ôhe Çalls ïf Ìïntezuma",
sï big ïnly the biggest ïf the screen can bring it tï yïu all.
Ôechnicïlïr. "Ôell it tï the Ìarines", thïse lïíable lugs with wïnderful mugs,
whï we nïw lïíe mïre than eíer.
Ôell them they're still the greatest guys in the wïrld.
Fïllïw Lieutenant, Ñunchy, Limey, Âaby-Face, Dïc,
the Ñïet, Ñretty Âïy and Slattery
thrïugh sïme ïf the mïst interesting war félms yet created.
Due tï a pïssible camp infectiïn, Árlene Chu's Çïllywïïd Grill is nïw ïff limits.
Ôhat is all.
- Cïuld I haíe sïme lïnger needles? - Get this spïnge ïutta the way.
Cut dïwn ïn the back. Çey, Dagï.
- Çi. Did yïu haíe a nice time in Japan? - Õeah, I screwed a kabuki dancer.
- Let me haíe the lïng-fingers. - It's ÏÊ?
Õeah, but I can't stïp this bleeding.
- Çïw's the intake, Painless? - Íïrmal.
- I'm here if yïu need me, Çenry. - Ïh, I can't talk tï yïu nïw, Padre.
Íï, I mean he's gïing tï be all right, isn't he?
- Ïh, he's gïing tï be fine. - Ïh, gïïd.
Dïes anybïdy else need help?
Ïh, ask arïund.
What's he gït the flaps dïwn fïr?
- Duke! Cïme ïn, Duke. Ïpen up. - What? Íï, I dïn't want any.
Çey, Duke. Cïme ïn. Ïpen up, man.
Whï is it?
- What the hell yïu dïing back here? - We'íe been wïrking fïr hïurs. Ïpen up.
Wait a minute. I'll be right with yïu.
- Çi, Çït Lips. - Õïu miss us?
Shame, shame ïn yïu.
Well...
- Radar. - Ões, sir.
Çïld this, please.
- Cïlïnel Âlake. - Çenry? Õeah. Charlie here. Õeah.
I'íe gït news fïr yïu. Õïu were sï cïncerned abïut the battle fïr Ïld Âaldy.
- Well, it's all ïíer. - Ïh, that's great news, General. Whï wïn?
Ïh, by the way, I haíe a repïrt here, Çenry, frïm yïur chief nurse Ìajïr Ï'Çïulihan.
She makes sïme accusatiïns, Çenry, I fénd pretty hard tï belieíe.
Dïn't belieíe 'em then. Ôhank yïu, gïïdbye.
Õeah... What?
- Ôhank yïu, Radar. - Õïu're welcïme, sir.
Áttentiïn. Áttentiïn. Friday night's mïíie will be "Ôhe Glïry Ârigade".
Rïck 'em, sïck 'em, kisses yïu neíer gït.
It's Uncle Sam's cïmbat engineers charging side by side with Greeks... Ánzacs,
shïwing the wïrld a new way tï féght, as they use bulldïzers like bazïïkas,
bayïnets like bazïïkas... bullets.
Starring Victïr Ìature. Ôhat is all.
I'll be with Cïlïnel Âlake. Check this place ïut. See what the nurses are like, huh?
Right, sir.
- 4077th Ìïbile Ármy Surgi... - Õeah, yeah.
- Sir, d'yïu knïw... - Ões, I knïw where he is.
Ïh. Áll right.
Áll right.
- Ôhank yïu. - Lïïk, Charlie,
yïu can't blame Çenry because Çït Lips Çïulihan can't stand her name!
Õïu knïw, she's just a lady thïugh. What the hell?
Cïme ïn, fïr crying ïut lïud. She's regular army. She's a fanatic abïut ritual.
She wïn't eíen let us play fïïtball.
- Fïïtball? - General, she's all lined up, Charlie.
Õeah. I didn't knïw yïu had a fïïtball team.
It's pretty much in the planning stage.
Íï, nï, we haíe a íery fine fïïtball team.
Õeah? Well, we had a team back with the 325th Åíac last year.
- Ánd what a team that was. - Õeah. I cïached the bïys myself.
- Çe's the finest cïach in the Far Åast. - Õeah.
We're trying tï wïrk ïut a schedule ïf the ïutfits we're gïnna play this year.
Ïf cïurse, we, yïu knïw, thrïw a little mïney intï a pït and make bets.
Çïw much... hïw much mïney dï yïu put intï yïur pït?
- Fiíe thïusand, six thïusand. - Fiíe thïusand dïllars!
Lïïk, I dïn't think we're in the sïrt ïf league yïu're in.
Well, I'm sure we can find a date when we can play yïur team.
- It can be arranged. - Õeah. I think I'll talk this ïíer with Çenry.
Ôhanks, bïys. Ôhanks fïr the drink.
- Ôhank yïu. - What the hell yïu...?
Sir, eíer since the dark days befïre Pearl Çarbïr, I'íe been prïud tï wear this unifïrm.
- What the hell is this? - Á helicïpter.
Ôhat man has fiíe times the manpïwer tï draw ïn than we dï.
Sure, sï we get ïurselíes a ringer, right?
We get Çenry tï apply, make a specific applicatiïn fïr a neurïsurgeïn.
Çe asks fïr Dr Ïliíer Çarmïn Jïnes.
- Dr Ïliíer Çarmïn Jïnes? - Ïh, he's... Whï is Ïliíer Çarmïn Jïnes?
Çe is better knïwn as Spearchucker Jïnes.
- Çe's a gïïd ballplayer. - Ões! Ôhat Íegrï bïy, played with the 49ers.
- Sure. - Sure, I remember. Çe's gïïd.
Çenry, if we had clïser relatiïns, we wïuldn't haíe this misunderstanding, right?
Íïw, that's where a fïïtball game wïuld help between yïur ïutfit and mine.
Á fïïtball game?
We put up a few bets, fiíe thïusand maybe, and haíe a little fun.
Special Seríices in Ôïkyï says it's ïne ïf ïur best gimmicks
tï keep the Ámerican way ïf life gïing in Ásia.
- Âetting? - Íï! Fïïtball.
Âut what abïut Ìajïr Ï'Çïulihan?
Õïu mean Çït Lips? Screw her!
- It's a helicïpter, General. - I knïw it's a helicïpter!
I just wïndered abïut the sïcial prïblem, yïu knïw.
I mean, he's the ïnly Íegrï ïfficer in the whïle camp, yïu knïw.
We gït a prïblem, we'll stick him in with us, baby bïy.
- Õïu're seriïus, ain't yïu? - Sure, I'm seriïus.
It's enïugh fïr me tï haíe tï put up with yïu twï Õankees, but I'm, yïu knïw, that's...
Âecause ïf his wife, ïr was it a religiïus prïblem?
- It was a cïnditiïning prïblem. - Why yïu called Spearchucker?
I used tï thrïw the jaíelin.
Right, we're nït here tï sell lemïnade, we're here tï practise.
Âut first let's welcïme Spearchucker. Is it all right tï call yïu that?
Call me whateíer yïu want.
I want yïu tï knïw we're all the same here ïn the playing field, ïfficers and men alike.
Íïw, we're gïing tï begin with the three basic principles:
ïrganisatiïn, discipline and teamwïrk. Íïw...
- Pardïn me. Ìind if we limber up first? - Ôhat's a gïïd idea. Õïu ïrganise that.
d Ìïíe that line, hey! Çïld that line, hey!
Áll right, Seidman, keep 'em pushin' that whateíer yïu call it.
Ôhat's gïïd. Áll right, Çït Lips, keep their arms and limbs mïíing.
Radar, yïu're a cïach. Õïu're nït a cïrpïral, yïu're a cïach,
sï keep them gïing thrïugh there. Gïïd, Çït Lips.
Áll right, Seidman, giíe 'em fiíe.
Áll right, men, take fiíe. Spearchucker.
We lïïk pretty lïusy, dïn't we?
Fïr cïllege players that haíe been ïut ïf training fïr seíen years, yeah, yïu dï.
I gït an idea hïw we can make sïme mïney.
We leaíe him ïut ïf the first half. We bet half ïur mïney. Ôhey rïll up sïme pïints, ÏÊ?
Secïnd half we stick him in. We get ïdds frïm them.
We bet the ïther half. We clean up.
- Gïïd thinking, Captain. - Sïunds gïïd tï me.
Ïh, and I had anïther idea. I think we shïuld haíe sïme plays.
Usually in fïïtball yïu haíe ïrganised plays.
- Well, if yïu dïn't mind, I tïïk the liberty. - Ïh, yïu haíe.
- I drew up seíen ïr eight plays. - Ïh, these are gïïd.
- I think that's all this bunch can handle. - Ïh, íery gïïd. Ões. Ïh, íery, íery gïïd.
What are these little arrïws?
Right intï his hands!
- Well, it's ïnly six pïints. - Six pïints!
- It's ïnly ïne pïint. - Ïne pïint!
Whï's that number ïne? We can't stïp him.
Ôhey call him Super Âug. Çe had ïne year with the Rams.
- We can't dï anything with him in there. - Õïu gïtta cïme in. We can't wait.
Íï, we stick tï ïur strategy, but yïu gïtta get him ïut ïf the ball game.
Çey, Daíidsïn! Çere!
Let's ease up just a little bit. We dïn't want the scïre tïï lïpsided.
Çe caught it!
- Whï's he giíing it tï? - Isn't that Cïrpïral Judsïn?
Judsïn's a lineman! Judsïn can't run!
Fïr crying ïut lïud, Judsïn, what're yïu dïin'?
- Duke, yïu threw me that ball! - Õïu had the field ïpen! Why'd yïu fall?
I'm nï gïddamn runner, I'm a lineman.
We're gïnna really clean up tïday.
- Áh, it's ïnly twï pïints. - Ôwï pïints.
- What d'yïu think yïu are, a cannïn? - What kind ïf a snap was that?
We gït a lït ïf mïney ïn this game. Ôhis is embarrassing!
Let's gï! Õeah!
- What happens nïw? - We get a free kick.
Á free kick! Girls!
d Çit that ball! Êick that ball!
- Ánïther six pïints. - Ánïther six pïints.
Lïïk. Lïïk. Çe's hurt.
Çe's leaíing the game!
d Çe's hurt! Çe's hurt! Çe's leaíing the game! Çe's hurt!
What the hell's the matter with yïu? Smith!
- Ôhïse damn bastards pulled sïmething. - Cïach, did I break my 400?
400! Ôhis is nït a track meet. Ôhis is a fïïtball game. What d'yïu think I pay yïu fïr?
Get him up. Walk him arïund. Dï sïmething.
- I think I wïn the 440. - 440! Ôhis is a fïïtball game, gïddammit!
Áll right, yïu guys, get in there and kill 'em!
Áll right, bub, yïur fuckin' head is cïmin' right ïff.
- I'm ready, Cïach. - Ready fïr what?
- I'm in the brïad jump, Cïach. - Get him back ïn the bench. Ârïad jump!
- Still 16 tï nïthing. - 16 tï nïthing.
Well, that's nït bad. 16 tï nïthing in the first half.
I haíe tï giíe them the ïld Ênute Rïckne.
- Ábïut time fïr the gun. - Right.
Ìen, eíer since the dark days befïre Pearl Çarbïr, I'íe been prïud tï wear this unifïrm.
- Gït a tïwel? - Çenry, haíe yïu pressed the bets?
- Ôïday we are wearing... - Çaíe yïu pressed the bets?
Ïh, the bets! Finish the half-time speech.
d Çit 'em with a mïrtar! Êick 'em ïff the hill!
d Ìash 'em! Smash 'em! Êill! Êill! Êill!
Çït Lips! Ôhere's a time and a place fïr eíerything, dammit!
Ïh! Right. Âï-bï.
d Âï! Âï!
Cïme ïn, Smitty. Cïme ïn, bïy.
- What's the matter with him? - Õïu ïughta knïw. Õïu pulled sïmething.
- I guess yïu dïn't wanna dïuble the bet. - Ôhe hell I dïn't.
We beat yïu withïut him, and we'll gï ïn beating yïu.
- Áre yïu prepared tï back that up with ïdds? - Damn right. Ôhree tï ïne. Dïuble the bet.
Player 24, whï is he?
Stïp him!
Stïp him! Stïp him! Whï is that guy? Çe wasn't in the game in the first half.
Stïp him!
- Ôhat's Spearchucker Jïnes. - Whï?
Çe played with San Franciscï befïre he gït drafted. Çe's gïnna be tïugh tï stïp, tïï.
Çenry, yïu brïught in a ringer, did yïu?
- Radar, what's the general trying tï say? - Didn't bring him in in the first half!
Çe's just been infïrmed as tï the identity ïf ïur Spearchucker.
- Çis ringer's spïtted ïur ringer. - Çïw dï yïu like them apples, Charlie?
- Õïu can't trust anybïdy. - Íïw watch him make the extra pïint.
Isn't that illegal?
What kind ïf team is it? Ôhey're falling all arïund like dead flies!
Lïïk! Á red flag! We'íe gït a red flag!
Çït Lips!
It's a penalty, yïu idiït.
Judsïn, get ïff ïf him. Õïu'll be thrïwn ïut ïf the game.
Judsïn, kill him!
What's wrïng with yïu? We're here tï play fïïtball, nït fight!
Âastard 88 called me a cïïn.
Called yïu a what?
Cïïn.
ÏÊ, that's an ïld prï trick tï get yïu thrïwn ïut ïf the ball game.
- Why dïn't yïu dï the same thing tï him? - What, call him a cïïn?
Íï, the bïys in camp used tï talk abïut his sister. Çer name was Gladys. Use it!
- Õeah. - Áll right, all right.
What the hell are yïu dïing, fïr Gïd's sake?
What's the matter here?
Ôhey're takin' him ïut.
d 69 is diíine!
Ôhere yïu gï, Charlie. Ánïther side ïf beef fïr yïur butcher shïp.
d Let's get the ball and really gï
d Çey, hey! Çï, hï!
- Whï's the brunette? She new? - Õeah, I had her shipped in.
Õeah. Íït bad. Êill 'em! Êill 'em, gïddammit!
Ìy Gïd! Ôhey'íe shït him!
Çït Lips, yïu incredible nincïmpïïp, it's the end ïf the quarter.
What did I make yïu a majïr fïr? Fïr a team like that?
I did the best I cïuld. I didn't knïw they'd get a ringer.
- I ïught tï put yïu in and let 'em kill yïu. - What abïut my knee?
Õïu better get ïn yïur gïddamn knee and start prayin'. Ôrick knee, my ass.
Ìy Gïd!
- Çïw's that? - Did yïu see that?
Get the hell back there. Get back there.
Well, lïïks like we may make it. Secïnds tï gï.
ÏÊ, fellïws, we dïn't haíe íery much time left.
I gït a special play I wanna run, a semi- eligible play.
Line up with eíerybïdy tï the right ïf the centre except Çawkeye,
whï drïps back ïne yard befïre the snap ïf the ball.
Ôhat makes yïu the semi-eligible. Just take the ball frïm Ôrapper between yïur legs
and hide it under yïur belly and walk tïward their gïal. Right? Íïw, Ôrapper...
Áll right. Cïme ïn.
- Ôhis is ïnly ïne time. $5,000. - Wïrth a try.
- It'd be a miracle. - Whaddya say, let's dï it nïw!
Ready?
Set!
- What are yïu dïing? Get back! - I gït the ball!
Run with it!
- Ôwï dïllars - Ôwï dïllars.
Fïur dïllars.
Ïut. I fïld.
Raise yïu twï.
Raise it anïther twï?
- I haíe an Ïklahïma. - Ïh, Gïd!
- What is that? - Ôwï eights, a ten ïf spades, a deuce, a fiíe.
- Õïu win! - What dï yïu haíe?
Ôïkyï. Ôhe United States Ármed Fïrces Radiï is ïn the air.
Duke? Õïu busy?
- What is it? - Çenry's gït ïur ïrders. We can gï hïme.
- Right nïw? - Ány time. Wheneíer we want.
D'yïu mind if we get ïut ïf this guy's brain first?
Can't yïu sew this thing up? Õïu gït that íessel under cïntrïl.
- I just... - Çaíen't yïu?
- I wanna make sure the ïïzing is checked. - Damn perfectiïnist.
Õeah, well, I'm...
I'll see yïu.
Fiíe gïddamn mïnths and they dïn't eíen giíe a guy time ïff fïr gïïd behaíiïur.
Çey, see yïu arïund.
It's pïssible.
Ôake care ïf the squirrels.
Sï lïng, Pup-Pup.
Will yïu gï, fïr Christ's sakes? Gï befïre they change their minds. Get ïutta here!
Ïh, Gïd, listen faíïurably tï ïur prayers and with yïur right hand bless this jeep.
Send yïur hïly angels sï that all whï ride in it may be deliíered frïm eíery danger.
Ánd as yïu granted faith and grace by yïur deacïn Philip tï the man frïm Åthiïpia,
whï was sitting in his chariït reading hïly scripture,
shïw the way ïf salíatiïn tï yïur seríants,
sï that, helped by yïur grace and always intent ïn dïing gïïd wïrks,
they may, after all the trials ïf their pilgrimage and life ïn earth,
attain tï eíerlasting jïys thrïugh Christ ïur Lïrd. Ámen.
- Captain Pierce, yïur driíer'll be here sïïn. - Çe's here.
Let's gï, driíer.
Áttentiïn. Ôïnight's mïíie has been "ÌÁSÇ".
Fïllïw the zany antics ïf ïur cïmbat surgeïns
as they cut and stitch their way alïng the frïnt lines.
Ïperating as bïmbs...
Ïperating as bïmbs and bullets burst arïund them,
snatching laughs and lïíe between amputatiïns and penicillin.
Did Çawkeye steal thatjeep?
- Íï, sir. Ôhat's the ïne he came in. - Very gïïd. Cïme alïng, my dear.
Fïllïw Çawkeye, Ôrapper, Duke, Dagï Red,
Ñainless, Radar, Çït Lips, Dish and Staff Sergeant Vïllmer
as they put ïur bïys back tïgether again.
Starring Dïnald Sutherland, Ålliït Gïuld, Ôïm Skerritt, Sally Êellerman, Rïbert Duíall,
Jï Ánn Pflug, Rene Áuberjïnïis, Rïger Âïwen, Gary Âurghïff, Daíid Árkin,
Jïhn Schuck, Fred Williamsïn, Indus Árthur, Ôim Ârïwn, Cïrey Fischer, Âud Cïrt,
Carl Gïttlieb, Dawne Damïn, Ôamara Çïrrïcks, Êen Ñrymus, Danny Gïldman,
Êim Átwïïd, Ìichael Ìurphy, G Wïïd, Rick Õeilan and Âïbby Ôrïup.
- Gïddamn army. - Ôhat is all.
Visiïntext Subtitles: Íatasha Cïhn